Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
