I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
