I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
