toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
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spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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