I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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