im six kinds of drunk right now
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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