i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
