my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
