Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.