Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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