Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
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I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
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I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You are the jesus of drinking
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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