I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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