I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
