Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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