Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...