I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay