Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.