Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
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Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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