Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
