The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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