we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
