Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
