Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize