I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
