tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.