I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
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I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This is my gift to your gina
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.