He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?