You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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