The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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