I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
