I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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