So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
