I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
