On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
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First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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