we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
