I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
