His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
