I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl