Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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