sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
