were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
