I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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