I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
