the only muscles i have these days is kegels
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
