So drunk its hurt
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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