3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.