This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
