Will you blow on my dice?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she pinky promised me she was 18
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I AM VODKA MAN
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
