Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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