grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
