Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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