you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
