I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
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Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I deserve this hangover.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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