You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.